


The Great Battle of Leia's Backyard

by nimiumcaelo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, M/M, Water Balloon Fights, Water Guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 04:44:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: “Do you think you got him?” Hux jeered.Kylo dropped one of his water balloons on the ground and it landed with a pathetic sort of slap on the wet grass. Across the field, after having had close to a hundred near-bursting water balloons catapulted at him, Luke was invisible in the momentary rain of glitter from the novelty balloons that had snagged in the tree branches above him and splattered their sparkling load in a shower of specks that were certain to stick in everyone’s hair and on their cheeks for at least a month.On the one team: Luke, Chewie, Rey, Poe, and Finn. On the other team: Kylo, Hux, Phasma, and two nobodies that Hux never should have invited. In a battle filled with novelty water-balloons and Nerf water-guns, will Luke best his nephew or will Kylo finally snag the title of water-gun battle champion?This is a stupid little crack!fic and I hope you enjoy it.





	The Great Battle of Leia's Backyard

**Author's Note:**

> This is marked Gen because there's nothing really sexual at all going on, but there _is_ some swearing and kissing. If that's something you don't want to deal with, here's your warning. Otherwise, enjoy.
> 
> \- M

“Do you think you got him?” Hux jeered.

Kylo dropped one of his water balloons on the ground and it landed with a pathetic sort of slap on the wet grass. Across the field, after having had close to a hundred near-bursting water balloons catapulted at him, Luke was invisible in the momentary rain of glitter from the novelty balloons that had snagged in the tree branches above him and splattered their sparkling load in a shower of specks that were certain to stick in everyone’s hair and on their cheeks for at least a month. Kylo glared at where his uncle had been standing and waited as the last bits of glitter and broken balloon fragments fluttered to the ground. Surprisingly, Luke’s gray head slowly appeared from amidst the glitter and his steel gaze never once faltered from Kylo’s shocked face. Narrowing his eyes slightly, Luke brushed a speck of glitter off the shoulder of his grandpa-style sweater that added the necessary bit of ExtraTM to his life that solidified his status as an annoying uncle.

Hux gaped and Kylo gaped with him, the both of them finding no solace whatsoever in the fact that the other was just as shocked as they were.

“Did you – are you sure those burst?” Hux checked, eyes drifting off Luke’s wrinkled old face and towards Kylo’s fuming figure in his periphery.

“How could they not?” Kylo grumbled. “I shot them directly at his head.”

Hux squinted a little towards the enemy lines, trying to make out any still-intact balloons on the ground. There were none that he could see.

“I don’t know, but how else is he still standing? He should be on his ass right now, honestly.”

Kylo huffed, “We’ll just have to shoot him again.” He was about to load more balloons into the catapult when Hux stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait. If he withstood that barrage, he can certainly stand another. We should wait and assess the situation before rushing forward, Ren.”

“You’re right.”

“I am?”

“Yes. Here.” Kylo handed him the balloon he’d tried to load into the catapult. He went and snatched up the Nerf Super Soaker gun that had been lying, discarded, on the grass during the assault. “I’m going to fight him.”

“What? Ren – you can’t take him on with _that_!”

“I can and I will.”

“You idiot,” Hux swore under his breath. “Fine. They’re your boxers that’ll stick to your butt-crack.”

“I heard that!” Kylo shouted over his shoulder as he stalked away towards his uncle.

“You were meant to!”

Hux folded his arms across his chest and muttered something that the  wide -eyed assistants of his couldn’t hear. They shared a glance amongst themselves and took a careful step away from the  g eneral.

Rey was perched in the tree that had been pummeled with glitter balloons. She blinked heavily and dragged a finger along her cheek, drawing a line through the sparkles on her face. Finn was ducked behind the tree with Poe and they looked up at Rey to hear her verdict on the enemy’s movements.

Rey gasped. “Kylo’s coming!”

Finn and Poe gasped, too, and clutched at each other with wide, half-flirtatious eyes.

“Does he have any ammunition?” Luke called up to her. “I can’t see with all this glitter in my eyes.” He scrubbed at his eyes to emphasize his inability to see.

Rey squinted at Kylo, unable herself to see past the glitter stinging in her sclera.

“I can’t quite see,” she lamented. “Can I have your binoculars, Poe?”

“Sure, here they are.” Poe handed them up, still clutching Finn with one arm and gazing into his big, brown eyes.

“Thanks.”

Rey fitted the binoculars to her face, the glitter being wiped away in rings  to create a reverse raccoon-eyes effect. She adjusted the focus and scrutinized Kylo as he stalked ever onwards.

“I think he’s got a water gun,” she told Luke, who was wiping the edge of his grandpa-style sweater over his face. “It’s a big one, too.”

Chewbacca let out a mournful grumble.

“Yeah, I know, Chewie – it’s all my fault for giving him that for Christmas,” Luke grumbled. “But you gotta remember that was when he was twelve. It’s not like I knew he’d get so into this twenty-something years later.”

Chewie made a series of sounds that sounded like he got Luke’s point.

“Lemme see those,” Luke commanded, reaching a hand up towards Rey. She handed him the binoculars, eyes indeed sporting the reverse-raccoon-eye. Luke turned the binoculars towards his nephew and chuckled. Kylo’s hair was drenched and sticking to his face along with several unnoticed pieces of confetti that had ‘I’m a crybaby’ written on them in smudged sharpie – a much better idea than simple glitter, Luke thought smugly. He moved his gaze to the weapon in Kylo’s hand and adjusted the focus as Kylo came to a stop two feet in front of him.

“Hmmm,” Luke hummed as he inspected the weapon through the binoculars. “Interesting.”

“Uncle,” Kylo grunted, uneasy at being confronted by the bug-eyed version of his uncle with his binoculars nearly prodding him in the chin.

“Hm?”

“I have come to fight you personally. I would request that you step away from your subordinates and face me directly.”

“Okay, just a minute. I’m checking out your weapon.” Luke zoomed in on the trademark symbol on the barrel of the water gun and made several appreciative hums and haws. After about fifteen seconds of this, he zoomed out the binoculars and removed them from his face, blinking at the sudden closeness of Kylo. He handed the binoculars back to Rey, who turned them on Hux and the others across the line bisecting the backyard.

“You want to fight me directly,” Luke confirmed, voice dry and clothes wet. “Without anyone else to back you up.”

“Yes.”

“With that thing?” Luke pointed to the water gun in Kylo’s hand.

“Yes.”

“Hm.”

Kylo stood, dripping, before his uncle and tried not to make eye-contact with anyone, which was very difficult because everyone seemed to want to make eye-contact with him – except for Rey, that is, who was trying to spy on Hux from across the yard. Kylo let his gaze float up to Rey and he blinked at the stripe of de-glittered skin on her cheek. Luke suddenly clapped his hands and drew Kylo’s attention back to him.

“Sure,” Luke chirped. “Why not?” He reached down and grabbed his old pink classic water gun that was currently selling for about $4.36 at Walmart. Stepping around Kylo, Luke took his stance just before the chalked line in the grass between the two sides. Kylo turned briskly and went to face him, one foot extended backwards to prevent him slipping on the wet grass.

“Ready?” Luke asked.

“I’m always ready.” Kylo narrowed his eyes and hoisted the water gun up to his shoulder in complete seriousness. Finn and Poe clutched at each other some more and shifted their wide-eyed gazes to the fight about to go down.

“If you say so.”

Luke aimed his little squirt gun at Kylo’s face.

“Gimme those,” Hux demanded, snatching a pair of binoculars out of the hands of one of his assistants, who cowered and put up no fight whatsoever and then went to stand sheepishly next to Phasma, who was casually filing her fingernails and pretending not to notice Finn and Poe climbing each other behind the tree, which didn’t actually make the assistant feel any better but at least put some sort of barrier between him and the general.

Adjusting the focus of the binoculars, Hux noticed a glint of light coming from the tree they’d glittered. He saw Rey perched up there, staring at him through her own pair of binoculars. Hux removed his binoculars from his face and shot her an unamused glare.

“Quit staring at me!” he mouthed at her.

She kept her bug-eyed gaze fixed on him, face nearly glowing from all the glitter catching in the sunlight.

“What?” she mouthed.

“Stalker!” he hissed.

She still didn’t look away and Hux found himself pretending not to be at least a little weirded out. He watched the water-gun battle instead and found it calming to his nerves.

Kylo got a stream of water directly in his left eye and he shrieked while Luke cackled and squirted at his nostrils. Kylo, in reaction, then squeezed the trigger of his Super Soaker and shot a thick stream of cold water right at Luke’s chest, which made his grandpa-style style sweater sag even further off his bony old shoulders.

“Hey!” Luke yelped. “You’ll ruin my sweater!”

Kylo said in a series of rather rude words that that was more or less his goal. Hux chuckled beneath his binoculars.

Luke ducked under a heavy swipe of Kylo’s arm and sprung back upright with agility that was totally unfair in someone his age. Kylo was breathing heavily and sounded like he was fighting a WWE champ, rather than his old uncle. Luke grinned cheekily at him.

“That all you’ve got?”

“Shut up,” growled Kylo, lunging a second time at his uncle, who dodged this attack just as easily as the first. “You old geezer.”

“I may be an old geezer,” Luke admitted. “But I’m still winning.”

“You’re not winning!”

Luke squirted Kylo in the ear causing him to squeak in a very manly manner. “Yes I am.”

Kylo growled menacingly and shot Luke straight in the face, washing away the last remaining bits of glitter that clung to his eyebrows and chin. Luke blinked slowly and dragged a hand over his sopping wet face.

“Thank you, that was very appreciated,” he said. “Now I can actually see you.”

Kylo breathed heavily some more, wet locks covering his face and obscuring his vision almost as much as the glitter had obscured Luke’s. He roared and tried to bludgeon Luke over the head with the barrel of his water gun but he only succeeded in falling flat on his face, butt stuck up in the air and temptingly presented for the toe of Luke’s loafer, which collided quite prettily with Kylo’s behind with a soggy thump and Luke’s accompanying laughter.

Hux sighed and handed the binoculars back to his assistant, but not the one who had originally held him – not that it mattered to anyone but the original binoculars-holder, that is. Feet slapping on the wet grass, Hux turned around and walked back behind the wobbly barrier that they’d set up with a plastic slide and a sled that they’d found outside the door to the basement. He sat down on the ground and put his head in his hands and cursed the day he’d ever put his confidence in the sack of dicks that was Kylo Ren.

Finn dragged his eyes away from Luke, who was bouncing around the wet grass like a wrinkly fairy in a grandpa-style sweater with a squirt-gun for a wand, and fixed Poe with a look.

“Do you think we should attack the other side while they’re busy?” he asked in a hushed voice that Poe found unreasonably attractive.

“What?”

“Do you think we should attack the other side while they’re busy?” Finn repeated.

“Why?” Poe asked innocently. “They’re not attacking us.”

“Yeah, but don’t you want to win the battle? This could be our chance. Besides, they’d never expect it while they’re watching Kylo Ren fall on his ass.”

“Hmm, good point,” Poe agreed, biting his lip in amusement as he turned back to watch Kylo do exactly that. “Who should we attack? The pasty ginger?”

“No, I think he’s moping behind that plastic slide. What about Phasma?”

“Who?”

“The blonde chick who looks like she’d rather be bathing naked in money.”

“Ah, yes,” Poe murmured, eyes turning to look at Phasma. “She seems like a perfect target.”

“Exactly. How should we get her? Water balloons? Guns? Confetti?”

“Are you guys making plans?” Rey asked, dropping upside-down in front of the two while hanging from the branch on her knees. “I want in, but only if I get to clobber that ginger. He called me a stalker.”

“He calls everyone a stalker,” Finn assured her kindly. “I think he’s paranoid or narcissistic or something.”

“Probably both,” Poe put in.

“Yeah, probably both.”

“So can I join you?”

“Yeah, sure,” Finn consented. “Got any plans?”

“Oh – I do!” Poe blurted excitedly.

“Okay, shoot.”

“We run over there and we throw the bucket full of water over her!”

“I like where your head’s at, but no,” Finn instructed gently. “We’ve gotta do this with more stealth or we might get attacked before we can even get over there.”

“What if we ran over there between the bushes and the fence?” Rey suggested, pointing to the narrow walkway between the bushes and the fence.

“Okay, and then we can drop the water on her head.”

“No, then we can squirt at them from behind the bushes and keep ourselves hidden while we squirt at ‘em!”

“Wow,” Poe breathed, eyes starry and glued on Finn’s face. “That’s a great plan.”

“I know, right?”

Rey dropped to the ground and stumbled a little as her feet slipped on the wet grass. “Okay, who’s going first? Are we only attacking Phasma or are we also getting the little minions?”

“How ‘bout all of them?” Poe suggested. “I’m up for all of ‘em.”

“Me too.”

“Okay,” said Rey. “All works. Let’s go.” She grabbed her water gun from where it was propped up against the tree and slipped between the bushes and the fence, only getting poked three times in the face with a branch.

Poe and Finn detached from each other and followed after her, water guns in hand. Rey crept up to where she could aim at Phasma and shoved the barrel of her gun through the bush so only the end stuck out. Poe did the same and aimed his gun at one of Hux’s assistants – the one that had originally had the binoculars – and Finn aimed at the other one. Hux was left unmarked because of his wise but chickenshit move to relocate behind the plastic barriers.

“On the count of three,” Poe whispered. “Then let’s shoot.”

“Okay.”

“One… two… _three!_ ”

They squeezed the triggers of their water-guns, shooting streams of water straight into the faces of Phasma and Hux’s two assistants. Phasma screeched and whirled a way from the bushes , covering her face with her hands. The assistant who had had the binoculars originally just fell onto the ground, quivering as Poe kept his stream of water trained on the guy’s back. The other assistant didn’t even react, just stood there and took it like a man as Finn squirted at his cheek. A small red mark bloomed on the guy’s pale, pasty skin and grew as the water stream continued assaulting him in the face.

“Hux! Get your ass out here!” Phasma screeched.

Hux peeked his head out from behind the barriers an d then ducked back behind them again when Rey squirted him in the face.

“No! Take care of it yourself, you wuss!” he spat, wiping the water from his face and trying to fix his hair from its disheveled state.

Phasma huffed and picked up a water balloon, one of the glitter ones. She peered into the bushes, which was a very difficult task given that there was a stream of water hitting her right between the eyes. She put a hand up and stopped it, but that blocked her view of the bushes. Removing the hand, she tried to look and spot her assailants, and encountered her original problem. She huffed again and stomped back behind the barriers and dropped the water balloon on Hux’s ginger head, ruining all his attempts to fix his hair and eliciting a very manly shriek from him as the glitter slithered down his back underneath his shirt.

“Phasma!” he gasped, wiping the glitter off his face. “How could you?”

“Eh.” She shrugged. “You were the most available target.”

“But I’m on your side!”

“Not anymore. Go screw yourself,” she declared and stalked out of the backyard and down the street towards her house. Hux watched her go with a sinking feeling and an uncomfortable itchiness crawling along his skin. He sighed.

“Alright,” Hux muttered, creeping out from behind the plastic barriers after he’d made sure Rey, Finn, and Poe’s water-guns had run out of water. “You want something done right, gotta do it yourself. Let’s finish this.” He was just about to grab a water-balloon when he tripped over one of his assistants, the one who had handed him the binoculars.

“What are you doing, you fool?” he raged, utterly mortified at having fallen on his ass in the trademark Kylo Ren fashion. “Get off the ground and fight!”

“But sir, I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“You’re on top of me, sir. I can’t move.”

“Oh, yes, of course.” Hux stood up and brushed himself off with what dignity he could muster. “Now, why aren’t you fighting?” he asked after his assistant had stood.

“I got wounded in battle, sir,” the assistant admitted, blushing and soaking wet. Hux sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, fine. Go to the medical tent and receive treatment.” He waved the assistant off and watched him shuffle behind the plastic barrier. Hux then moved to his other assistant, who was standing stoically with a large red mark on his cheek.

“What happened to you?” he asked, coming to stand beside his statuesque minion.

“I was attacked, sir,” the minion stated calmly.

“And you did nothing to stop them?”

“No, sir.”

“You didn’t think there was a single possibility that you could have done something to stop them?”

“No, sir.”

Hux sighed.

“Okay, okay. Just – stand over there and hand me things when I ask you for them. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.” The assistant stood over there and appeared ready to hand Hux things when he asked for them. Hux nodded in appreciation then turned to look at the main battle taking place.

Kylo had finally gotten the upper hand and was standing over his uncle, who was lying on his back and staring at Kylo smugly as Kylo squirted a continuous stream of water at Luke’s sweater. Luke raised his eyebrows sarcastically like the little shit he was.

“Are you done yet?”

“No.”

Luke sighed. “Alright, then. Hurry up, though, because I might need to go to the bathroom soon.”

“Ew!” Kylo squirmed and nearly faltered in his water-gun squirting but recovered in time to keep the water stream steady. “Shut up.” He moved the stream of water to Luke’s face. Luke squeezed his eyes shut and put up with it for about two seconds before crawling away and standing up.

“Fight me,” he demanded, fists raised and ready to go.

Kylo tossed his water gun aside. “I’d be glad to.” He swung at his uncle, missed, then got punched in the gut. “But I ruined your sweater, old man!”

“Ha!” Luke scoffed, dodging Kylo’s fists. “You think I care?” He stepped carefully out of the way and peeled the bottom of his sweater over his head, revealing another, drier, grandpa-style sweater. “Eat shit, Ben.”

“Aargh!” Kylo roared and launched himself at Luke in his rage.

Hux peered into the bushes where Rey, Finn, and Poe were refilling their water-guns. He spotted a stray curl of Poe’s majestic hair and practiced aiming there, then tossed a water-balloon straight at it. Poe screeched and dropped the water bucket he’d been holding, spilling the water all over his and his friends’ shoes.

“Poe!” Rey hissed, feet soggy. “Aiiee!” A water-balloon landed heavily on the top of her head, bursting open and splattering her with glitter.

Finn laughed uproariously at the sight of his friends. Then a water-balloon landed on his own head and he yelped like a kicked puppy.

“Take that you scum!” Hux shouted, proudly tossing several more water-balloons in the direction of the three.

“Fuck you, Hux!” Poe shouted, shoving his water gun through the bushes and squirting Hux in the nose. “Now my hair is ruined!”

“You ruined mine first!” Hux protested, ducking out of the way of the stream of water. He lobbed another water-balloon at where he guessed Poe was standing and was satisfied when he heard an appropriate shriek.

Poe retreated back to their own side of the yard, sobbing and clutching at his glitter-filled hair. Finn followed after him, calling out assurances that he didn’t look horrible and that he was sure it would wash out fine. Rey shoved her gun through the bushes and tried to squirt at Hux but could only get a pitiful burst of water out of the gun before it was empty. Hux tossed another water-balloon at her and then she scurried away.

“And _stay_ out!” Hux cried victoriously. He planted his hands on his hips and surveyed the carnage before him with an appreciative eye. Kylo had a bloody nose and Luke had a bruise blooming just above his eyebrow, but it was obvious that the old man had the high ground here – not literally, of course, because Kylo had, like, eight inches on the guy – and was pummeling Kylo without mercy and shouting about respecting your elders and all that.

“I’m sorry!” Kylo squealed as he got hit in the chin again. “I won’t do it again!”

“You won’t _what_ again?”

“I won’t ruin your fugly sweaters again!”

“Did you just call my sweater fugly?” Luke raised a fist threateningly.

“No!” Kylo squeaked. “It’s beautiful, Uncle Luke – you’re beautiful!”

“Thank you.” Luke lowered his fist. “Now go clean up, idiot.”

Kylo scurried away towards Hux, head hanging down in defeat. Hux walked over to him and pet his soggy hair out of his face.

“It’s alright,” he cooed, cradling the hulking fool to his chest as said hulking fool sobbed pitifully. “We’ll get them back savagely and then _they’ll_ be the ones crying.”

“But how?” Kylo murmured wetly into Hux’s shoulder.

“I don’t know, but I’ll think of something and it’ll be violent and exciting.”

“Okay.”

“Now, come on, you’re blocking the view.” Hux led Kylo away and sat him down behind the plastic barriers. “You, there,” he said, pointing to the assistant that was back there. “Get him a Kleenex or something. I’ll be right back,” he added, addressing Kylo. “Just wait here.”

Kylo nodded and Hux left, sneaking around the other side of the house to hide just behind the shed, which Chewbacca was leaning against while filming the battle on an old video camera from the Solos’ attic. Hux had a couple of water-balloons sitting in his hands and he weighed them carefully before tossing them up in a graceful arc that ended with Chewbacca’s hairy head.

Chewie roared when the first one hit him. Luke looked up from where he was hanging his drenched sweater up on the fence posts to dry and narrowed his eyes at Hux, who he could see hiding behind the shed.

“We’ve got a spy!” he shouted and dashed towards Hux with a water-gun.

Hux’s eyes widened in fear and he sprinted away, tossing a water-balloon blindly over his shoulder only to have it land with a  _splat!_ in front of Luke’s feet.

“Get him! Get him!” the Rebels cried as they all chased Hux back to his base. Rey pushed past Luke and leapt on Hux with a flying tackle, knocking them both to the ground. She pulled his head up by his hair and held it there while Poe and Finn squirted him with water-guns. Hux screamed.

Chewbacca and Luke, meanwhile,  had gone behind the plastic barriers and were dropping all the water-balloons they could find on Kylo and the nameless assistant, who were both wailing and running around like headless chickens. Chewbacca growled and smacked Kylo in the face with a balloon, causing him to fall flat on his back, stunned. The assistant, after seeing Kylo laid low, jumped the fence and ran away up the street to the devil knows where.

“Stay off my lawn!” Luke called after him, shaking a water-balloon threateningly. He then turned back to Kylo and kicked him in the side. Kylo squeaked like a chew-toy and Luke tried it again.

“Stop kicking me!” Kylo bellowed, crawling away from his uncle.

“Do you surrender?” Luke returned, following Kylo and kicking him every now and then.

“Never!”

Luke kicked him.

“Okay, okay – _stop kicking me!_ – I surrender, I surrender!” Kylo waved his hands in the air and curled into a ball.

Luke stepped back. If his face had been any more smug it might have popped off and started its own life, thinking itself too good for even a body.

“Good. I accept your surrender.”

Chewbacca barked in agreement, camera trained on Kylo’s quaking form.

“Okay, guys, you can let up,” Luke called out to Finn, Rey, and Poe, who were still assaulting Hux. “They surrendered.”

“Ooh, they did?” Rey dropped Hux’s head into the grass, which by this time had become really just mud. He groaned as she got off of him.

“Sweet!” Finn and Poe high-fived and slung their arms over each other’s shoulders. “We win!”

“Yep,” Luke beamed, sauntering back across the yard to grab his sweater. “Now I’m going to have a nice, long bath and you all better not disturb me until it’s at least midnight!” He went into the house, calling out to Leia to tell her about his mighty victory.

Rey delivered one last kick to Kylo then squeezed through some loose slats in the fence. “Do you know where Phasma lives?” she asked Finn.

“No. Why?”

“I want to say ‘Happy Birthday,’” Rey snickered, holding up a water-balloon. Finn returned her grin.

“Sweet. I dunno where she lives, but I saw her run that way.” He pointed down the street. “I’d just find the door-handle with the most glitter on it.”

“Okay, thanks.” Rey headed off in her search for complete and utter conquest of the enemy.

Finn turned away and saw Poe inspecting his reflection in one of the windows of the house, eyes wide and watery in their despair. Finn walked over to him and rubbed a hand over his back.

“You look gorgeous, don’t worry,” he assured Poe.

“Really?” Poe asked, turning his glittery face towards Finn.

“Really.”

Poe kissed him, getting glitter on Finn’s face, too.

Hux pulled his face out of the mud with a sickening  _pop_ . “Could you two get a room?”

“Hey, Ren, do you mind if we stay here?” Poe slid on his trademark charming grin. Kylo just groaned in response. “I think that means yes,” he said to Finn and dragged him off towards the house. “Besides, Leia loves me.”

“True.” Finn slid his hand into Poe’s back pocket and followed him inside.

Hux pushed himself into a somewhat upright position. He looked over at Kylo, who had uncurled himself and was now lying on his back in agony.

“Are you dead?” Hux deadpanned, crawling over to lay on his back beside Kylo.

“Yes,” Kylo muttered darkly.

“Good for you.” Hux looked up past his glittery eyelashes and up at the sky, which was blue, of course, and dotted with puffy cumulus clouds in the warm afternoon. “I’m dead, too.”

“Fuck you, don’t make fun of me.”

“Fuck _you_. I’m not making fun of you.” Hux raised himself on his one elbow and looked down at Kylo.

“Yeah, you are,” Kylo asserted, mirroring Hux’s position.

“No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“No, I’m – go fuck yourself,” Hux cursed. “This is stupid.”

“You’re stupid,” Kylo retorted.

Hux narrowed his eyes and stared Kylo down. Kylo simply raised his eyebrows like the little shit he was. Hux shoved him down and kissed him, the mud on his face mixing with the glitter on Kylo’s in some sort of strange glop that might be considered romantic but was really just messy.

Leia leaned out the kitchen window. “Get out of the mud, Ben, you’re ruining your clothes!”

Kylo raised his middle finger and ignored her.

FIN (no pun intended)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is one of my first crack!fics and I think it turned out well, but I'd _love_ your feedback. What parts did you enjoy? What ones did you not like quite so much? Anything that made you laugh? Please let me know!  
>  Thanks again!  
> \- M


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